


Like we always have done

by leadingrebel



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 18:30:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3701991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leadingrebel/pseuds/leadingrebel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She wanted to scream, to yell at the world to leave him the fuck alone so she could make him happy.</p>
<p>Maybe this was right.</p>
<p>Maybe this was the only way to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like we always have done

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this [gifset.](http://nikitajobson.tumblr.com/post/115580287246/bellamyclarke-au-what-have-i-done-i-dare-you) Because angst, right?

Rain.

Rain was all she could see, could hear.

The drops on her eyelashes hanging until she blinked.

The sun had long set and the full moon was almost enough to see where she was going. But she didn’t even know  _where_  she was going. She knew she was looking for Bellamy and sheknew she wouldn’t return to camp without him, but she just kept going through theforest in hope of finding him before she got lost.

It wasn’t like this was the first time she had donethis. But the storm made it all so dramatic she almost wanted to laugh at the situation — and it just showed just how fucked up she was.

Still, there was someone who was far more fucked up than she was.

Clarke still remembered how he looked when the search party found him and Octavia and the image still kept her from breathing through the ache in her chest. 

They had gone on a trip to find that huge panther Octavia had seen on her last walk with Lincoln. She had said its fur was so thick it’d be able to keep them warm through the winter — and they all knew this second winter they were bearing was going to be much harder than their first one. The cold had been already making people don’t feel their fingers and making it impossible to work on building so to say they needed that panther was an understatement.

Clarke still hadn’t liked the idea of the siblings out there when they had an unpredictable winter upon them but Octavia had just kept saying how she was going anyway and Bellamy wasn’t going to let her go without him. So the next morning the two of them and Lincoln had gathered a group of guards to hunt and drag that precious fur to camp.

Clarke couldn’t stop thinking about the panther launching at Bellamy on those first days on Earth while she saw them walking away from her.

The first snowfall had taken place two days after that. Clarke had felt the wind ragging against the walls of the med bay and had been almost sure it could come down at any moment.

And the group wasn’t back yet.

Clarke knew that the wind in the forest of the mountain was far worse than this and the thought wasn’t helping her.

Raven had told her that there was no way their radio frequency could work with that damn weather but Clarke couldn’t have cared less about the reasons. They hadn’t heard from them and that was it.

The fourth day with radio still in silence, she grabbed a pack and a gun and told her mother and Kane that she was going after Bellamy and the others and if she went with guards or not, that was their choice — she already had Jasper, Monty, Miller, Harper and Monroe waiting at the gate.

It took a whole day to find their trail because of the snow. They follow it and eventually found blood on their way. Clarke’s mind was hard to control after they did.

They found Bellamy and Octavia in a cave. They had to pull away the snow covering the entrance to step in.

Bellamy was sitting against the wall clutching Octavia to his chest like she was going to vanish into thin air. Clarke thought Octavia was just asleep in his lap because she had his jacket on and her face buried in his chest but when she step closer to them she saw the cloth wrapped around her shoulder — soaked in blood — and most of Bellamy’s shirt gone.

She rushed to his side, her fingers looking for a pulse on Octavia’s neck.

And finding nothing.

_Oh my god._

_No,_ she thought _._

_Please, no, no, no._

She looked up with tears in her eyes but Bellamy hadn’t even noticed her.

“Bellamy” she whispered, so soft she even doubted he had heard her.

Clarke saw the half of an arrow lying on the ground. She knew that kind of arrows; they all knew them by now. Nomads wanted everyone to fear the feathers on their weapons and they made sure of it. They didn’t ask, they shot and they killed.

“I’m going to kill them,” was the only thing he said. “I’m going to hunt down every fucking one of them and I’m going to kill them while they scream for mercy.”

Clarke found his hand and brushed her fingers over it, fearing his reaction.

“They’re Nomads, Bellamy,” she said and she felt as if she was speaking to a scared, wild animal. “You know they’re far away from here and they leave no trail to follow”

“I don’t care,” his voice sank in her chest and made it difficult for her to breathe.

She knew what she was going to say was probably one of the worst things she could say in that moment, but she had to get that idea of going after the Nomads out of his head.

“You have to leave Octavia to do that,” she felt her tears fall down her cheeks. “Are you going to leave her, Bellamy?”

He just held his dead sister tighter to him.

 

* * *

 

They made it back to camp somehow. It was almost impossible to get Octavia out of Bellamy’s arms; he wanted to carry her but he couldn’t, he couldn’t even stand on his own. But Clarke had been able to convince him, letting him hold Octavia’s hand all the way back while she was carried and Clarke helped him to walk.

Clarke asked about Lincoln. Bellamy just said he didn’t even know if he was alive, they had gotten separated because he had dragged Octavia as far away as he had been able to after she got shot and Lincoln hadn’t follow.

Clarke didn’t ask about the rest of the group but she knew they were dead and had been thrown into a river (Nomad custom of no leaving trail).

Lincoln had appeared covered in blood through the gate of Camp Jaha two days later.

And had left within two more.

She had watched him breathe through tears into Octavia’s hair, cut one of her braids to keep with him and ripped some shreds of her jacket to wrap around his wrist.

_Ai hod yu in_ , he had whispered and she had turned away because the intimacy of the moment had her not wanting to overhear anything else.

She had watched Bellamy try to leave with him but Lincoln had told him two broken persons couldn’t heal together.

Clarke wouldn’t have allowed it even if Bellamy had been able to stand on his own. He still had serious lingering hypothermia because he had use his clothes to protect and keep warm his sister even when she was already dead.

She still didn’t even want to think about how much time he had sat in that cave after watching Octavia die, holding the lifeless body of his most loved person.

After that, each day had been a struggle. Each day was surviving for Bellamy and some of them Clarke had thought she couldn’t stand looking at him and seeing him so broken anymore.

Bellamy had started to get away from camp at night after the first week of been relished from the med bay. Clarke had almost had a heart attack the first time they couldn’t find him.

This was just one of those nights.

She saw a shadow kneeling on the ground, surrounded by trees. Talking to himself and to no one. Repeating the same words again and again, as always.

_It was my fault._

_I chose to go that way._

_I’m sorry._

_I’m so sorry._

_I’m so sorry, mom._

_Please come back, O._

_Please._

_I’ll take your place._

_It was my fault._

_It was my fault._

He was holding his head in his hands. Clarke put her own hands over his and took them away before he could hurt himself.

“Bellamy”

Most of times he wasn’t aware of where he was or who was talking to him. Clarke knew these nights: he stumbled out of camp, alcohol on his system, and end up seeing ghosts everywhere.

“I killed her”

He looked at the gun resting on the side of her pants and then at her but Clarke knew he couldn’t see her.

“God, I  _killed_  her”

Bellamy slipped his hands out of hers and reached for her gun because he wasn’t allowed to carry one anymore. They were shaking so hard the gun couldn’t aim at anything.

His eyes were filled with anguish, the slightest touch of insanity on his look, and Clarke felt that weight inside her chest again — she couldn’t breathe.

“Kill me”

Clarke was sure in that moment her heart broke into a million pieces that sank on her lungs — she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t breathe.

“Please,” he begged and offered her the gun. “Kill me, I deserve it, I killed her.”

Clarke took the gun, afraid of what he could do to himself with a weapon on his hands.

She step back and stand, trying to find the strength to breathe again so she could help him. But in the middle of her attempts she glanced at the broken boy kneeling in front of her begging for his death.

She felt her arm rose and aim the gun at him.

She couldn’t watch him suffer anymore. God, each day was worse and worse and she didn’t know what else to do.  How could she help him? Why couldn’t she take all his pain away? Hadn’t he suffered enough?

She wanted to scream, to yell at the world to leave him the fuck alone so she could make him happy.

Maybe this was right.

Maybe this was the only way to help him.

Just end his suffering.

That was her, right? She was the one who got the merciful kills.

There was a shot, a blinding light and a grunt.

She saw blood on his shoulder as the moonlight bathed him, casting shadows over his face. His eyes closed but his arms not making any attempt to cover the wound.

She felt to the ground on her knees, the gun forgotten at her side.

“I can’t,” she managed through the tears. “I can’t”

She crawled to him and put her hand over the shoulder where the bullet had grazed him.

“Please, Bellamy,” and watching him bleed she wondered how could she have thought she could do it in the first place. “I’m so sorry,” she cried.

“Clarke,” her name escaped his lips as a whimper, his voice recognizing her for the first time.

She guided Bellamy’s head to rest on her shoulder, his forehead on the side of her neck. She felt his tears running down her skin even as the rain fell upon them. She heard his heartbreaking sounds over the thunders of the storm.

“We just had to go any other way,” he murmured. “She would be alive”

“It wasn’t your fault,” she told him when his sobs started shaking his body. “It wasn’t your fault. We’ll get through this”

Her arms went around his neck as she ran her fingers through his hair, soothing him.

“I promise, we’ll get through this”

She felt her own tears on her cheeks and down her chest, meeting Bellamy’s.

As his arms wrapped around her and he held her as if she was the only thing keeping him alive, Lincoln’s words came to her.

_Two broken persons cannot heal together._

She couldn’t believe that, because if she did, there was nothing she could do for anyone.

They were going to survive this like they always had done.

“Together”.

**Author's Note:**

> "Ai hod yu in" = "I love you" (Trigedasleng)
> 
>  
> 
> Also on [Tumblr](http://leadingrebel.tumblr.com/post/115786879521)


End file.
